Those who deny the lessons of the past are pawns of the future. Learn the lesson but don’t dwell on it. This summarizes my last post, and today we look at the second of five of the remaining obstacles to growth:
- Deal with past issues
- Address our insecurity and identify reality
- Conquer self talk
- Confront unhealthy relationships
- Develop self-awareness
A client (we’ll call her Peggy) began to search her memory for her Fifth Grade Moment after reading my free workbook. Peggy identified a time when she was 11 years old when riding her bike with friends. Peggy knew she was supposed to be home because the street lights were on. Her mother drove up, drug her into the car, took her home, used a belt to spank her and sent her to bed without dinner. She could only say to her mother, “I’m sorry mommy, I love you mommy, I’m sorry mommy, I love you mommy, I love you mommy…” But her mother didn’t listen. The result, Peggy has an overwhelming need to be heard, and especially from people she loves.
Address your insecurity
Every one of us wants to be heard. Peggy craves it. Early in life we search for our place in society, our profession and family. At mid-life we realize what we really want is significance; not what others think nor the race to perform, but real significance.
Peggy finds significance in quality time spent with loved ones. Undistracted time. Time to talk. Time to listen. Time to take long walks. Time. She yearns for it. This is her love language. The best thing she can say to her loved ones is, give me some undistracted time and listen to me, right? Or would it be better for her to realize her needs and take action to overcome this insecurity? What would that look like? Perhaps, the simple knowledge of this truth will move her to recognize the trigger.
So Peggy has homework. Peggy will say to herself, “Wait a minute, I’m feeling that way again. Why? Oh, that’s my trigger” when feeling insignificant. Peggy has also agreed to communicate her needs to her loved ones in a direct straight forward manner. Love requires us to accept responsibility for our feelings and communicate our needs. Peggy needs both for the reason we all need both – love.
Identify what is real and what is made up
In my free workbook I describe it this way,
What is SUBJECTIVE versus OBJECTIVE reality?
In writing there is a difference between objective versus subjective writing. Objective writing is based on facts, is verifiable and is neutral. This means your approach is unbiased because it is based in truth. Subjective writing is based on opinion and cannot be proven. I’ve applied this to my coaching practice. Often, I ask clients, “Is that true or made up in your mind?”
We all have insecurities. Many times they are only true in our imagination. “S/he doesn’t like me because s/he never says hello. They’re talking about me. I can’t do that. I’ve always been that way. That’s just how I was made,” and this list could go on and on. Really? It is a natural tendency to find our worth in other people’s opinions and/or their performance. We need confirmation but others’ opinion s should not define you! The path to your identity is found in truth. You are not a mistake. You were not made to be mistreated or misunderstood. You are the only creature with your fingerprints, exact eye color and exact experiences. There is only one you. You were made for a purpose!
A very healthy way to address this is to conquer your self talk. I’ll address that in my next blog or you can get a preview here
*Used with permission